Mostly Harmless
by corvusdraconis
Summary: [HG/SS] Hermione gets into some trouble thanks to one of Hagrid's "harmless" projects. Her husband and the Headmistress are not amused. (Written as a race with another Pride of Portree team member.)


**A/N:** Story race with Serpentine, one of my teammates in Pride of Portree QLFC.

 **Beta:** Fluffpanda, the Mistress of Pasta

 **Mostly 'armless**

"You did _what_?" Minerva screeched at Hagrid as he somehow both towered over her and looked small and meek at the same time. It would have been comical, if he didn't have a bloody bundle in his hands.

Hagrid shifted uncomfortably. "I didna see any 'arm in it, Headmistress," the half-giant stammered. "He needed a 'ome, and putting him in Black Lake would give 'im a place ta grow and keep an eye on him."

"You let loose a _kelpie_ into our Black Lake, and you thought it was _harmless_?" Minerva yelled at him. She snatched the bloody bundle from Hagrid's arms and ran with it down the corridors of Hogwarts, making a beeline towards the Hospital Wing. "We have students swimming in that lake for Merlin's sake! Students! Not to mention—"

"They're 'armless, Headmistress," Hagrid protested. "Just misunderstood is all."

"Harmless?" Minerva seethed. "Does this look 'armless to you?"

"It's just an otter," Hagrid tried to justify it. "Not even sure what a sea otter was doing in Black Lake to begin with. Displaced, it was."

Poppy Pomfrey had snatched up the bloody bundle in Minerva's arms the moment she ran through the door.

"Oh!" the medi-witch cried in horror. "What happened to her?"

"Kelpie attacked her," Minerva said, glaring at Hagrid.

"A… kelpie? We don't even have kelpies in this area!" Poppy said, cradling the bundle in her hands as she both unwrapped the bloody towel and ran her wand over the victim that was contained within.

The otter made pathetic squeaking noises, and Poppy summoned a tray of various potions and medical items towards her with her wand. "Kelpie slime interferes with the the animagus transformation. She couldn't change back," Poppy fussed, opening a bottle of some sort of tonic and put it to the otter's mouth. "There now, Hermione, drink this, please. Just a little now. That a girl."

As Poppy fussed over the injured Animagus, Minerva whirled on Hagrid and stood toe to toe with him. Her fury was legion, and the half-giant seemed to realise he had crossed a line he had managed to avoid the entire time in his tenure at Hogwarts under Albus Dumbledore.

"Rubeus Hagrid," Minerva seethed. "I have seen you bring three headed giant hell-hounds into this school, and Albus turned his eyes the other direction. You brought in an illegal baby dragon and hatched it in your cauldron, and still, he let it pass. You illegally bred Blast-Ended Skrewts, and Albus made it go away because he used them in the Tri-Wizard Tournament. You let loose an Acromantula into the Forbidden Forest and then illegally brought in a mate so they created a bloody colony, and you set loose Fluffy into the forest that, to this day, torments the Centaurs with his incessant stealing and scaring of their hunting targets. This, Hagrid—you intentionally set loose a XXXX dangerous beast onto our _school_ grounds and endangered our students and injure an unsuspecting healer of this school! If Albus hadn't written in that horrible clause that prevents us from firing you after that Umbridge incident, Rubeus Hagrid, I would have you out of this school before the ink was dry. Get out of my sight!"

"I, but," Hagrid said. "Healer—?"

The doors to the infirmary burst open, and a certain Dark wizard blew through them, robes billowing behind him. His gaunt, pale face twisted with anguish before the accustomed mask of displeasure slammed down in its stead. "The students were talking—Hermione?"

"Poppy is tending to her, Severus," the cat Animagus explained, flinching as a hundred different questions bored into her via the wizard's gaze alone.

Severus' recovery after the Second Wizarding War had been namely due to the bushy-haired young witch's timely side-along Apparate to St Mungo's with the injured professor in tow. She had returned with plenty of time to tend to the end of the Second War, and Harry Potter had cleared the Dark wizard's name both during his confrontation with Voldemort as well as after the battle.

Once the war had concluded, Hermione was offered an Apprenticeship with a Master Healer at Mungo's after he saw her dutiful tending at Severus' bedside. He used Severus as her training victim, and by the time he was well enough to leave the hospital, Hermione had been officially pinned as a Healer Apprentice by Master Feverfew.

Five long years had kept the young apprenticed healer busy, dealing with everything from physical to mental trauma and the brewing of healing potions, and throughout it all, she had written Minerva weekly. It had been Poppy's idea to bring Hermione in as her replacement, and it had taken many skillful negotiations to snare the young healer out of the hands of St Mungo's, who wanted to keep her, and about fifteen other Wizarding hospitals around the world who had heard of her dedication to her patients and Mastery focus on antivenoms and a line of new healing potions she had crafted in an effort to cut back on the reliance of phoenix tears for miracles. She had proven, in the wake of the war, that she truly was brilliant, even though some people had known that all along.

Minerva learned that Hermione had corresponded with Severus for advice on handling her potions work, and the wizard had, surprisingly, regularly taken her letters and sent back replies. For the first time since she'd seen the man at the High Table, he was getting owls regularly dropping off letters.

Severus had yielded his position as Headmaster in favour of Minerva, even with her protests, stating that had situations not been what they were in the war, Minerva would have been the logical choice as Headmistress. He had stated he would be fine with his old job, and the passing of the torch had mended something between the both of them that had been broken during the war.

Hermione had joined the staff as Poppy's future replacement, but had also taken up teaching an elective healing class for both third year and up students who wanted to know basic healing spells for Wizarding first aid, as well as the advanced N.E.W.T. level healing that required exceeds expectations and up on both potions, herbology, and charms. The class had become quite a success, and there were quite a few expressions of interest outside the school to come and sit in on the high-level course just because of how useful it was to those working in dangerous lines of work, such as Aurors and Curse-breakers. A special classroom was set up in the Hospital Wing specifically for Hermione's classes, so she was never far from her patients in case something happened during class. The Board of Governors unanimously voted for funding for her new classrooms and quarters in the hospital wing due to her classes success, and Poppy had expressed her joy that when she finally retired, Hermione would keep Hogwarts in good hands.

After the war, many of the professors had engaged in what ended up being called the "Skill Swap Meet." Each tutored the other professors in one skill that was unique to their speciality. Filius, for example, had taught the others how to make complex port-keys that were triggered by specific touches and words rather than simple touch. He hoped it would cut down on the accidents of random Muggles picking up some manky old boot and ending up somewhere in South Africa surrounded by lions. Hagrid had taught the Hogwarts professors how to attract and contain nifflers without destroying the room they were in, and everyone had agreed that after the shenanigans of said nifflers in a certain Umbridge's office, the skill was quite handy. Poppy and Hermione had taught a Wizarding first aid class that had revealed some easier to remember spells that could be used in a pinch when a full healer wasn't around. They weren't complex, but they were effective to hold things down until help could arrive, and all the professors appreciated the ease of remembering the incantations and application of use. Minerva, however, had offered to teach everyone who wished to know how the skill of becoming an Animagus, saying that everyone was more than capable of the feat, if they just put their mind to it.

Rolanda Hooch had taken to the skies as a kestrel, and no one found it the slightest bit surprising. Filius had become a ruffled looking, plump barn owl, and everyone had shaken their heads at him. Poppy had become a pure white dove, and Hermione had chuckled saying it was appropriate. Slughorn had refused the lessons, saying he was quite happy being nice and human, but rumour had it that he was worried he would become a slug for real. Severus had seemingly reluctantly joined the lessons, and had come out a giant (and some would say adorable) bat. Pomona Sprout had also passed on the classes, saying she preferred the company of plants rather than animals, and Hagrid had been too preoccupied with animals to take time for Animagus lessons.

It was, perhaps, that neglect, that had allowed Hagrid to completely miss the fact that Hermione was an Animagus otter, not that it excused his releasing a bloody kelpie into the Black Lake like one would release a won carnival goldfish into a stream. Much like the carp that grew up to devour all the native species and kill the ecosystem, the Kelpie was something that would have to be dealt with very soon. And soon would be before the parents got wind that their children were swimming with a Kelpie that was put there by none other than a member of Hogwarts staff.

Severus knelt by Hermione's bedside, assisting Poppy, who was cleaning the kelpie slime off of Hermione's skin. Severus glared at Hagrid, who stared at Hermione in realisation of what his neglect had done. It was finally sinking in that his pursual of liberation for "misunderstood" species had truly gotten someone he cared about attacked and almost killed. A kelpie was no hippogriff with finely detailed rules of conduct. A kelpie killed anything that was smaller than it was, and it often tried to kill anything that was bigger than it was, just to figure out if it could. Hermione had been very lucky to escape.

"Hermione," Severus whispered to her, his tone softer than the sneering growl he used for his students, and perhaps, even softer than he used with anyone else.

The otter on the bed squeaked pathetically and gently laid her paw on his pale white fingers.

"It's okay," he whispered. "You couldn't have known."

The otter stared back, making soft bubbling sounds.

He pulled one of the vials off the bed tray and popped the cork, sniffing it. "Here, drink this, it should give you enough strength to change back now that the slime is gone." He tilted the vial towards her muzzle, and the otter lapped at the lip of the vial carefully a few times before her head went down to the bed once more. After a few minutes, her body shimmered, and a very human-shaped Hermione was in the otter's place. She stared up at Severus without speaking, her hand on his, as her eyes closed.

Severus' jaw tightened. He gently placed her hand over her chest and pulled the sheet over it, stood to his full height, and stood up next to Hagrid. The half-giant, while much taller, seemed to shrink back in response. "How did this happen, Hagrid?

Hagrid gulped. "I nursed a baby Kelpie, ya see," he said. "Found it half beaten to death by the swamp. I brought it back here and nursed it back to health, and he was getting too big for the hut, so I set him loose in the Lake. Figured 'e would be safer there."

Several emotions seemed to flicker across the Dark Wizard's face as he glared up at Hagrid. "You may think that your little creatures are just misunderstood beasts, Hagrid, but one of your misunderstood 'harmless' beasts just tried to eat my wife, you insufferable moron." Severus' voice was very, very low with a dangerous vibe in it. "I suggest you _deal_ with the beast, and I do not mean move it to another place on this school grounds, before someone finds out and we have Aurors and the Daily Prophet plastering your mistake all over the news."

Hagrid gulped and shook his head. "I… I'll do it. I dinna… will Hermione be okay?"

Both Severus and Minerva turned to Poppy, who was waving her wand over Hermione carefully. "Good thing you and Hermione brewed those special potions for the infirmary, Severus," she said. "She'll be fine."

Severus seemed to let out his breath, the fury in his eyes only barely tempered by the news that his wife was going to be okay.

"Hagrid," Minerva said as the giant turned to leave. "If I find out that you've had another pet project any time soon, I will find a way to be sure you serve out your tenure on sabbatical in Antarctica."

The half-giant gulped and hurried out the door, properly shamed and mollified from various different angles.

Severus pinched his nose, and Minerva rubbed her temples.

"Kelpies at Hogwarts," Poppy tutted. "That man… that man… Severus, if you wish, you can take her back to your shared quarters. She would probably do better there; not here in the middle of the hospital wing where everyone can see her. I'll take over her classes for the rest of the day."

Severus nodded in gratitude, also thankful for the private quarters they had been provided after their marriage. He cradled his wife in his arms as he began to walk towards their shared chambers.

Minerva touched his shoulder. "I'm sorry, Severus," she said. "Albus was always so protective of him, and I never thought—"

Severus shook his head. "Do not blame yourself for other's imbecilic behaviour, Minerva. Hermione will be fine… and Hermione will deal with him when she is better."

Minerva's eyes grew wide.

"Indeed," Severus said with a chuckle. "I will enjoy every minute of it. I will probably even have popcorn, if you wish to come watch the fireworks, Minerva."

Minerva, while horrified at Hermione's condition, found herself looking forward to it. "I'll look forward to your Patronus, Severus."

Severus' lips quirked upward. "As you wish," he said softly, turning on his heels and disappearing with his mate cradled in his arms, his black robes billowing behind him.

The kelpie may have been "harmless," but the wrath of Hermione Granger was legion. She was a healer, after all. What she knew how to heal, she also knew how to take apart piece of piece, and no one in Hogwarts worth their salt wanted to be on the receiving end of her wrath.

It was almost enough to make one feel sorry for Hagrid.

Almost.


End file.
